Can I be helpful to others and love myself at the same time?
AN ENLIGHTENING STORY
(adapted from a true story)
Lana is a high achiever and a corporate change-maker. Her greatest motivation in life is to be useful: useful to others, useful to projects, and useful to good causes. Until recently, her identity was shaped by her ability to always be there when someone needed advice, a listening ear, or “a helping hand” for a project. She was thrilled to be the go-to person who brightened the lives of others.
As a superwoman, she kept organizing her life and multitasking to anticipate the needs of her loved ones, colleagues, and even strangers. Yes, it was exhausting—and sometimes even isolating. Being everyone’s savior often meant neglecting her own needs and desires. But she saw no other options for herself. In her own words, “This [was] the normal life of a dedicated, working woman.”
Together, we explored—without judgment—what “being useful” meant to Lana. We looked for the underlying beliefs that were fueling such an all-consuming need to be useful. As it turned out, the idea of usefulness was linked to her need for acceptance. To avoid rejection, she believed she had to be the perfect daughter, student, colleague, boss, friend, mentor, mother, and lover. Being perfect meant satisfying others.
In reality, she was turning herself into a “tool for pleasing others,” and it felt as if she could never fully please herself or satisfy others. It was a vicious cycle. One day, she realized she was giving to others out of a sense of guilt and misery rather than love and selflessness. While advocating for the importance of self-love to others, she was the first to reject any help or opportunities to take a well-deserved rest. She was lying to herself and others, and this had to stop.
Even though Lana was consciously eager to change, a part of her was resisting. Was she “allowed” to start putting herself first? Was she willing to risk losing her sense of identity? Who would she become? She was terrified. It was as if she were standing on the bank of a river, desperately trying to reach the other, alluring side, but afraid to cross what seemed like a torrent of rushing water.
To address her recurring objections, we used a coaching tool called the “core outcome exercise.” Lana came to understand that those mixed feelings were different parts of herself crying out to be heard. We listened respectfully to each positive message behind her feelings. She recalled her most important values in life: human fulfillment, freedom, and joy. To her, anyone who is fully aligned with themselves is able to realize their full potential to meet the world’s needs. She used to think that her fulfillment depended on how useful she would be to the people she encountered. But in striving to please others, she lost sight of her own freedom and joy, and lost herself and her ability to make her greatest impact. Instead of expressing her values, she was modeling an ineffective counterexample.
With that realization in mind, she reevaluated her past, inner beliefs, and developed a more liberating mindset. She established a morning routine and a decision-making tool that helped her respect her own needs and find the courage to choose whom and what to support. She completely transformed her approach to engagement and began to lead by example. She demonstrated that being of service to others depends first and foremost on self-love.
THE TOOLS
Does this story sound familiar?
Do you want to be helpful even though you still have some trouble deciding when to give, to whom to give, and when to receive? In your desire to be helpful to others, are you afraid of being seen as a fraud if you don't always put the needs of those you help before your own?
If so, you're not alone, and you CAN find a balance! Imagine you're a sponge. If you want to help clean surfaces, keep releasing the water you're holding inside. Otherwise, you won't be able to absorb any more water.
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To help you make a change, here are a few tips:
When you start your day (or while reading this article), ask yourself:
“How do I want to present myself today?” You might say, “peaceful, excited, or even confident.”
“In that regard, what are the three actions—one for myself, one for my personal life, and one for my work—that I want to take today?” If external requests start piling up during the day, delegate and postpone tasks as needed to focus on your priorities.
During the day:
Pay attention to your body’s signals. If you have a headache, cravings, or tension in your body, chances are you’re suppressing and resisting an inner need.
Go to a quiet place (this could be the bathroom or even just closing your eyes) and ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” You may not be able to meet that need right away. Still, acknowledging your need and setting aside some time to address it will help prevent tension from escalating.
If someone insists and resorts to emotional blackmail, simply saying, “I hear you. Today is complicated. I’ll get back to you!” might do the trick. Jot down the request so you can figure out the best way to handle it in the next few days (not today!).
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And YOU, how well do you balance self-care with caring for others?
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What did you find useful in this article? Click the "Reply" or "Comment" button and let me know! Also, if you'd like help finding (or refining) your purpose and increasing your impact on society and the planet through your professional activities, feel free to contact me using this form (English / French)
